Honestly, I’ll probably never look at a cantaloupe the same way again, but I am grateful I had this awkward, yet illuminating, discussion with my kids. With my curiosity quelled, I had to wonder if my quest for knowledge was a worthy endeavor. More: I have to be honest: Other parents scare me more than pedophilesīy the end of our conversation, I had the idea that my sons, and probably all teenage boys, used anything and everything at their disposal to masturbate. Really? I thought that was only a thing women in prison did. “And that time I used the cantaloupe?”Įven my husband was shocked at the cantaloupe revelation. “Oh, what about paper towel rolls?” my oldest added. “It didn’t feel that good, so I only did it once.” “Yeah, but it was on low, don’t worry,” he reassured me. I’d lost my deadpan expression the moment I picture my son losing his penis in a vacuuming accident. “OK, don’t laugh, but one time I put my penis in the vacuum hose,” my youngest said. Hey, who was I to judge? As a teen, I’d had an amorous moment or two with my favorite bottle of perfume, Love’s Baby Soft, which, if anyone remembers, was totally shaped like a dildo. As he spoke, my younger son nodded his head emphatically. Whatever is within reach, really,” he shared.

Heck, I’ll use dirty laundry if it’s there. “Let’s see, there’s good old wadded-up toilet paper, towels, even shirts. Like machine gun fire, my eldest son listed his favorite masturbation props. I was in for a surprise with their answers. Naturally, I first turned to my husband and sons to learn more. More: Labiaplasty, vodka tampons and more scary teen “trends your kids are sick of hearing about Learning about socks, and laughing my ass off watching the Bridesmaids scene where a mom describes cracking her son’s comforter, made me curious about what other means boys employ to get their (pun intended) socks off. All it took was one time grabbing a sock that was hard as a rock and I was done. I swear I won’t even touch his laundry anymore. “Socks?” I had never heard of boys sexualizing slippers. “I don’t know about condoms,” my friend Tammy said, “but I found out my son Charlie was using socks.” Oh, well, OK,” was all I managed to say.Ī week later, while out for drinks with my girlfriends, who also had teen boys, I asked if that was normal. His hesitation should have been my first clue. More: This teenage girl just got fired for speaking up about inequalityĮven as my own sons grew, I didn’t understand just how resourceful boys could be, until I questioned my then-12-year-old about why he had a giant box of condoms in his bedroom. Like, so good I would make sure to climb that pole every morning and every lunch.” But one day when I climbed something weird happened. “At first,” he explained, “I just climbed because I liked to see how fast I could get to the top.

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